The Art of Buzzing (2010)

In honour of Throwback Thursday, here is a post from December 2010.  In this article, I looked at communication through missed calls:

Whether you believe in religion or evolution, its safe to assume that one of the first attributes that we were blessed with was, communication. Since the beginning of time, we’ve had an innate ability  to send signals to each other, thus expressing our vast array of emotions and states of mind. Apart from the common forms of communication such as speech, text or hand signals, another form has “suddenly sprung up” into our culture. Contrary to popular belief, the art of buzzing has been around since 435 A.D.

Today, buzzing has been monopolized by the use of cellular phones but our ancestors didn’t have that luxury. According to experts with credible PHDs, buzzing was first spotted among African tribes. In situations where the tribe was too broke to send messengers to other tribes or within the same tribe, they threw spears at each other to send signals such as, “hey, im at the gate” or “honey, im home”. Ignoring all the deaths and injuries that occurred, I think it was a rather effective form of communication. Fast forward to today and buzzing has taken over.

As with any other form of communication, buzzing has accumulated a few slang terms; the Americans and Europeans call it “miss calling”, the Mozambicans call it “beeping”, the Asians call it “@#%&” and the ever vibrant Waterford kids call it “flashing”. Eg. “hey jimmy, when dad gives you my $1000, flash me yea?”

Buzzing captures human fascination due to the fact that it deals with a concept that we humans have never really been able to grasp; Timing. Timing is the core of buzzing, you let it ring too long and the target will answer the phone, you hang up too soon and ur buzz will go unnoticed.

Whilst the world is gripped with the excitement of buzzing, a small group of international scientists (including myself) have been researching on its side effects and the results have been worrying. Considering the amount of brain power required in executing the perfect timing that buzzing requires, an individual is temporally impaired, unable to perform any other task. That’s why every time you buzz, you have to be absolutely focused. Individuals that have tried to buzz whilst doing other tasks have suffered severe brain damage and in some cases, death. After my findings, I held a conference with my collegues earlier this year in Amsterdam and declared that buzzing is more of a hazard than global warming. Ofcourse this was never featured on mainstream news networks because the owners of these networks don’t believe in what they call, “loose and shallow assumptions”.

The truth is, if the world continues at this rate, the human mouth will be reduced to a mere sexual organ by 2084, as evolution will see it as “unimportant” since people are refusing to use it and TALK.

Having taken part in this primitive, annoying and dangerous form of communication makes me look back on my buzzing days and say, “OH CRAP! ”. But there is hope dear homo sapiens, if you need to communicate a message, just call the intended recipient.

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